Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
