Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
