She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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