I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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