He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
