do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
