last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
