He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
