life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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