Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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