saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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