i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
