Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
