I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
