Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
