I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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