Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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