Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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