Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
