I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
