I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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