Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize