hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
