There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize