I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
