My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
