I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
