Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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