i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
