She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
