i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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