I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize