it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
