Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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