it's not cheating when I paid for it
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
