Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
