Is it because I queefed?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
