so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
