I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
