how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
