woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
