How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
