You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
