im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
