um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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