My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think i got beer on your cat.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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