I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
