I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
