weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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