Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
