My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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