walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We have started to decorate penises.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize