you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
