I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
