god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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