We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Randomize
