We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
