this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
