i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Your cock deserves a montage
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
