I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
