my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
