I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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