T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
